Did you know I used to BOYCOTT Valentines Day? YEP! I really did! It wasn’t because I hated love, actually it was for the OPPOSITE reason. I yearned for love, but didn’t have it – at least not in the form I associated Valentines Day with. I’d been so hurt by circumstances (some I chose, some I inherited), that I completely checked out of love for a while. I just didn’t participate.
Thats such a vast contrast to how I perceive love today because… (Wait for it) … I got healed and grew up a bit inside. So, I decided to share with you a little of what I learned on my journey of understanding. I wanted you to know why I am SO UBER excited about LOVE today, and give you a few tips that might help you if you need a new perception of LOVE. In Honor of the day when we all celebrate love (Valentines Day), I send you Smoochie ooey-gooey love from my heart to yours! 🙂
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So, yesterday I grew a little bit. I actually changed and I knew that the change happened. My guy moved out; not because we were fighting or we didn’t love each other. Not because we are breaking up or ending anything, but because it was just time. Him moving out opened up old wounds that I didn’t know I had. Wounds from before I went to kindergarten. Yes… Pre-K!
We had discussed it. I was partially prepared, but it still seemed unexpected. I came home and some of his things were gone. That’s what triggered it and I recognized it. I’m not sure why, but this time, it all came rushing back and I was overwhelmingly lonely and alone. First, the tears, then the shaking, then the fear and, last but not least … the feeling of ‘He left me all alone’. It was at that moment I recognized that space for what it really was. I realized that I was, in that moment, a little 4-year-old girl who didn’t understand why her daddy left her all alone. See, when I was 4 we came home from church and all of our furniture was gone, and so was my Daddy. That was the first time that I felt the feelings that have become so familiar. So I began seeking what I longed for (Love, acceptance, re-assurance, security, protection) not only with men I had relationships with, but men I befriended. They say that girls have ‘daddy issues’ if their fathers aren’t in their lives. Last night it became clear that I am no exception.
As I talked to that little girl and replayed the scenes from my life, I realized that I have been seeking for as long as I can remember. It’s why I hold on tight and why I cry so hard and long for my man so much after the relationship is over. But last night I had a talk with my four-year-old self. I spent time loving her and letting her know that she’s okay even though that daddy didn’t come back. I let her know that the men that I date are not daddy and they can’t give me what I missed by daddy leaving.
Spent 30 minutes in that mirror speaking to that little girl getting her to understand that we are safe, and that even though daddy did not do his job, we are okay. It was the most powerful breakthrough I’ve ever had in my life. I went from tears and shaking to totally being okay and not even feeling like I needed to cry anymore. I literally transitioned from being afraid and insecure and feeling alone to being settled and secure. Just talking to myself in a space of duality – as the 44-year-old woman, loving her 4-year-old self, I created a healing bridge and stopped my tears. I slept all night without waking once because he’s not here. This morning, I woke up refreshed and clear inside. It’s like somebody turned on the light and I can see more clearly than I could before. It is amazing.
I am stronger now because I gave myself permission to be that 4-year-old again, and walked myself into my womanhood with strength and power by making that little girl feel secure. I’m so amazed and grateful.